A Roadmap for Healing After an Affair
The discovery of an affair is a shattering experience. It creates a crisis of trust, identity, and security that can feel impossible to navigate. For both partners, the world is turned upside down, and the path forward is lost in a fog of pain, anger, and confusion.
As a therapist, I often tell my clients that while the path is difficult, there is a path. Healing is not only possible, but it can lead to a relationship that is more honest, resilient, and intimate than before. Based on the work of leading experts like Dr. John Gottman, Esther Perel, Dr. Shirley Glass, and Dr. Douglas Snyder, we can map out the journey of recovery. Across dozens of books and clinical manuals, a clear, three-stage process for healing emerges.
This journey typically unfolds in three distinct, though often overlapping, stages. For healing to occur, each partner has specific and crucial tasks to undertake. Here, we will focus on this map, paying special attention to the role of the partner who was unfaithful (the "Involved Partner").
The Three Stages of Healing from Infidelity
Stage 1: The Crisis Stage – Establishing Safety
This is the immediate aftermath of the affair's discovery. The primary goal is to manage the overwhelming emotions and stop the crisis from escalating. The foundation of the relationship has been destroyed, and the first task is to see if a new one can be built.
Primary Goal: Stop the bleeding, manage the trauma and create emotional and physical safety.
Key Tasks for the Couple:
End the Affair: The affair must end completely and verifiably. There can be no ambiguity, no lingering contact, nor secrets.
Establish Honesty: The Injured Partner will have countless questions. A framework for honest communication must be established. Agree on how, when, and what information about the affair will be shared. This process, often called "therapeutic disclosure," is best guided by a professional.
Contain the Chaos: Learn to manage intense emotions without causing further harm. This is about expressing pain, not attacking one another. The Injured Partner is often experiencing symptoms of acute trauma or what Dennis Ortman calls "Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder." The focus must be on emotional regulation and creating a safe space to express pain without causing more harm.
Crucial Tasks for the Involved Partner (The one who had the affair):
Take Full Responsibility: You must end the affair and cease all contact with the affair partner. This is non-negotiable. You must end the affair (or betraying behavior) and take full ownership of your choices without blaming your partner, the relationship, or external circumstances.
Provide Absolute Transparency: Be an open book. As authors like Linda J. MacDonald (How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair) emphasize, your job is to do whatever it takes to help your partner feel safe. This often means temporary, radical transparency with your phone, emails, and schedule. This isn't about punishment; it's a necessary tool to rebuild a sense of security. Offer access to phones, emails, and social media to help the Injured Partner feel safe. This isn't about long-term surveillance; it's a temporary measure to rebuild a sense of security.
Answer the Questions with Patience: You must be willing to answer your partner’s questions about the affair, even when it’s painful and repetitive. This is a critical part of helping them process the trauma. Avoid defensiveness or saying, "I don't want to hurt you more." They need the truth to heal. Your partner will need to ask the same questions repeatedly to process the trauma. You must answer them honestly and patiently each time. Avoid defensiveness or saying, "We already talked about this."
Listen to the Pain and bear Witness: Your most important job is to witness and validate your partner's pain. Listen to their anger, their hurt, and their sorrow without defending yourself or explaining it away. Take ownership of the pain you caused. Your mantra should be, "I understand why you feel that way. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you." Absorb it all without defending yourself. Validate their feelings with statements like, "You have every right to be this angry. I am so sorry for the pain I caused." As Rob Weiss puts it, this is how you get "out of the doghouse."
Stage 2: The Meaning-Making Stage – Understanding the "Why"
Once the initial crisis has stabilized, the focus shifts from the "what" of the affair to the "why." This is not about finding excuses but about gaining insight into the vulnerabilities—both personal and relational—that allowed the affair to happen.
Primary Goal: Understand the meaning of the betrayal/ affair and the dynamics that contributed to it.
Key Tasks for the Couple:
Explore the Story: Move beyond the logistics of the affair to understand its emotional meaning. What was the affair about? What is the story of your relationship? What were the strengths and where were the fractures?
Identify Vulnerabilities: What were the unmet needs, communication breakdowns, or unresolved issues in the relationship (that existed long before the affair)?
Share Experiences: Both partners share their perspectives on the relationship before, during, and after the affair. Each partner shares their perspective on the relationship, fostering a deeper understanding of each other's inner worlds
Crucial Tasks for the Involved Partner:
Deep Self-Reflection: Your work is to understand yourself. Why did you make this choice? What were you seeking or avoiding? Was it validation, excitement, escape, or something else? The answer to "Why did I do it?" cannot be "I don't know" any longer. Not an option good enough, not deep enough, not satisfying or healing enough. You must engage in deep self-reflection. Books like Andrew G. Marshall's Why Did I Cheat? or Mira Kirshenbaum's When Good People Have Affairs are invaluable here. Were you avoiding conflict? Seeking validation? Longing for a different version of yourself?
Develop Empathy: Move beyond guilt (which is about you) to true remorse and empathy (which is about feeling your partner's pain). Understand the profound impact of your actions on the person you love. Understand that you didn't just break a promise; you shattered their reality.
Communicate Your Inner World: As Esther Perel discusses in The State of Affairs, you must share what you've learned about yourself. This isn't about blaming ("I cheated because you didn't..."), but about revealing your own brokenness, fears, and longings that led you to make such a destructive choice.
Stage 3: The Moving Forward Stage – Rebuilding a New Foundation
This final stage is about making a conscious decision about the future. Will you part ways, or will you commit to building a new relationship together? If you choose to stay, this stage focuses on rebuilding trust and redefining the relationship. Esther Perel calls this "Your Second Marriage."
Primary Goal: To make a conscious choice about the future and, if recommitting, to build a new relationship on a foundation of honesty and rebuilt trust. To create a new, stronger, and more honest relationship.
Key Tasks for the Couple:
Make a Conscious Choice: Decide whether to recommit to the relationship or to separate with respect.
Rebuild Trust Brick by Brick: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy actions over time. As Morgan Johnson outlines in Rebuilding Trust, it requires both partners to engage in specific, trust-building behaviors.
Practice Forgiveness: Forgiveness, as Janis A. Spring explains in How Can I Forgive You?, is a complex process for the Injured Partner. It is a gift they give themselves and does not mean forgetting or condoning the affair.
Create a New Vision: What will this new relationship look like? How will you protect it from future threats and ensure you both get your needs met?
Restore Intimacy: Slowly and carefully rebuild both emotional and physical intimacy.
Crucial Tasks for the Involved Partner:
Become the Chief Trust-Builder: As Linda MacDonald suggests in her work, your role shifts to becoming the primary healer of the relationship. Your role is to be the primary guardian of the relationship's safety. You must be patient, consistent, and proactive in demonstrating your commitment and trustworthiness.
Maintain Long-Term Consistency: The work doesn't end after a few good weeks. You must live a life of integrity and openness for the long haul. This is what truly rebuilds trust. This is what ultimately proves you are a safe partner again.
Anticipate and Soothe Triggers: Your partner will have triggers (a movie, a song, a specific location) that bring the pain flooding back. It is your job to anticipate these, be patient with them, and offer reassurance without frustration. You are the healer of the wound you created.
A Final Thought
This journey is not linear. Couples often move back and forth between these stages. It is a long, difficult process that requires immense courage from both partners.
But there is hope. By doing this hard work, you are not just trying to repair what was broken; you are giving yourselves the opportunity to build something new—a relationship grounded in a deeper understanding of yourselves and each other, fortified by the crisis you survived together.
If you are on this journey, please know you don't have to walk it alone. Professional guidance can provide the structure and safety needed to navigate these turbulent waters.
Curated Book Recommendations for Your Journey
This is a short list of highly-regarded books that align with the stages above.
For the Couple Working Together:
Not Just Friends by Shirley P. Glass, PhD: The definitive classic on understanding how affairs happen and how to heal from them.
Getting Past the Affair by Douglas K. Snyder, et al.: A practical, step-by-step program for couples to navigate recovery.
What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman, PhD: Focuses on the science of trust, attunement, and betrayal-proofing your relationship.
For the Involved Partner (Who Was Unfaithful):
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald: A direct, no-nonsense guide with concrete steps you must take.
Why Did I Cheat? by Andrew G. Marshall: An excellent resource for the deep self-exploration required in Stage 2.
When You're the One Who Cheats by Tammy Nelson, PhD: Offers a roadmap for repairing your relationship from the inside out.
For the Injured Partner (Who Was Betrayed):
After the Affair by Janis A. Spring, PhD: A compassionate guide to navigating the intense emotions and difficult questions after discovery.
The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes, PhD: Essential for understanding the traumatic attachment that can keep you stuck in pain.
Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis C. Ortman, PhD: Validates the traumatic nature of betrayal and offers a clear path for healing.
Healing from infidelity is one of the hardest things a couple can do. It requires immense courage from both partners. But by committing to this difficult process, you are not just trying to repair what was broken; you have the opportunity to build something new—a relationship grounded in a profound and hard-won honesty.
How I Treat Relational Betrayal and Infidelity (2025-01-31)
Overview
The treatment of relational betrayal, infidelity in my practice is typically divided into three phases. This writing will focus specifically on sexual infidelity and cheating. Drawing from various resources, my training, and clinical experience, I structure infidelity treatment into the following three phases:
Phase 1: Discovery to Disclosure – From the initial discovery of the infidelity to a formal disclosure process.
Phase 2: Disclosure to Significant Repair & Recommitment – Involves intensive individual and couples work to process the betrayal, rebuild trust, and examine contributing relational dysfunctions.
Phase 3: Rebuilding or Separation – Either establishing a renewed marriage/relationship or facilitating a conscious separation.
For the sake of this conversation, I will refer to the betraying partner as “Husband”, and to the betrayed partner as “Wife”. Each phase includes specific tasks and goals for the husband, the wife, and the couple as a unit.
Phase 1: Discovery to Disclosure
This phase begins with the discovery of the infidelity and extends to the full disclosure process. During this stage, both partners have distinct and overlapping tasks:
Tasks for the Husband:
Sobriety Plan – Establishing a clear strategy to cease all offending behaviors, which may include:
Cutting off contact with affair partners.
Deleting apps or blocking triggers.
Developing strategies for emotional regulation.
Preparation for Disclosure – If the couple chooses to pursue a formal disclosure, the husband must:
Work with a therapist to prepare an honest, detailed, and structured disclosure.
Understand the importance of transparency and emotional containment during disclosure.
Psychotherapeutic Work – Addressing the underlying factors that contributed to the infidelity, which may involve:
Trauma-informed therapy.
Psychodynamic exploration of personal history and relational patterns.
Management of the Wife’s Pain and Triggers – Developing skills in:
Psychoeducation on betrayal trauma.
Emotional validation and empathy training.
Learning to support his wife through her grief and anger.
Tasks for the Wife:
Disclosure Preparation – Preparing for the formal disclosure by:
Identifying personal boundaries.
Writing down 5-10 key questions for the disclosure session (to prevent an overwhelming influx of questions due to betrayal trauma).
Trauma Work – Engaging in therapy to regulate her nervous system, which may include:
EMDR, Brainspotting, or other trauma-focused therapies.
Seeking Support – Building a support system, such as:
Women’s groups or betrayal trauma support groups.
Connecting with friends or therapists for emotional processing.
Managing Emotional Triggers – Developing emotional regulation strategies to:
Express pain and anger constructively.
Prevent verbal/emotional abuse toward the husband.
Avoid self-destructive behaviors that could harm herself, her family, or the relationship.
Phase 2: Disclosure to Significant Repair & Recommitment
This phase starts with the full disclosure session, typically facilitated by a therapist. During the disclosure:
The husband reads his written disclosure.
The wife processes emotions and asks follow-up questions.
The therapist ensures a safe and structured environment for both.
Once disclosure is complete, the focus shifts toward intensive healing and relational repair.
Key Focus Areas in Phase 2:
Couples Therapy – A significant part of this phase involves structured therapy to:
Foster validation and empathy.
Work through grief, anger, and relational wounds.
Understanding the Affair’s Underlying Causes – Carefully exploring the deeper relational dynamics that may have fueled (but not caused) the infidelity, such as:
Emotional disconnection.
Unresolved conflicts.
Lack of vulnerability and intimacy.
Addressing Individual and Couple Dysfunction –
Continuing individual therapeutic work for both partners.
Identifying patterns of avoidance, emotional repression, or codependency.
This phase is often the most emotionally intense and requires careful navigation to ensure both partners are progressing toward healing rather than further harm.
Phase 3: Rebuilding or Separation
Once significant therapeutic work has been done, the couple reaches a crossroads:
Rebuilding the Relationship – If they choose to stay together, the focus shifts toward:
Creating a new vision for the relationship.
Engaging in post-traumatic growth.
Developing shared values and commitments for the future.
Gradually decreasing therapy sessions as the couple gains stability.
Conscious Separation or Divorce – If the couple chooses to separate, the focus is on:
Facilitating a conscious uncoupling process.
Managing logistical aspects such as finances, custody, and co-parenting (if applicable).
Emotional closure and moving forward with personal growth.
In both cases, the therapeutic journey continues at a pace that feels appropriate for the individuals and the couple, often transitioning into maintenance sessions before concluding therapy.
Infidelity treatment is a structured yet flexible process that adapts to the needs of each couple. The three-phase approach ensures that both partners engage in meaningful, individual healing while working toward either reconciliation or conscious separation. Each phase builds upon the last, guiding the couple toward clarity, resolution, and either a renewed commitment or an amicable parting.
In future iterations, I will explore decision trees to illustrate how different types of sex addiction and infidelity presentations fit into this framework.
Model for Infidelity and Betrayal Recovery
Navigating through a relational betrayal is a process that can feel overwhelming, chaotic and very painful. Fortunately there have been many clinicians who have reseached the process and have provided guided maps to find our way through it. Below I present a condensed version of the research I have done on the topic.
This structured format allows for clear navigation of the healing process, distinguishing individual and shared responsibilities at each stage
Phase 1: Discovery to Disclosure
(From the initial discovery of infidelity to formal disclosure)
Husband’s Tasks:
Create and follow a sobriety plan
Cease all contact with affair partners
Delete apps and remove triggers
Develop emotional regulation strategies
Prepare for formal disclosure
Work with a therapist to create a structured disclosure
Ensure full transparency and honesty
Engage in psychotherapeutic work
Trauma-informed therapy or psychodynamic work
Identify deeper relational or individual issues that contributed to infidelity
Manage wife’s pain and triggers
Learn empathy and emotional validation skills
Provide consistent reassurance and accountability
Wife’s Tasks:
Prepare for disclosure session
Identify personal boundaries
Write 5-10 core questions for the disclosure (to prevent trauma-driven spiraling)
Engage in trauma recovery work
EMDR, Brainspotting, or other trauma-focused therapies
Seek emotional support
Join betrayal trauma support groups or individual therapy
Manage emotional triggers and responses
Develop regulation techniques to prevent destructive communication patterns
Couple’s Shared Tasks:
Establish initial rules of engagement (boundaries, living arrangements, transparency agreements)
Decide whether to proceed with a formal disclosure session
Seek professional guidance on how to navigate the crisis
Phase 2: Repair & Recommitment
(Begins after disclosure, focusing on rebuilding trust and addressing deeper issues)
Husband’s Focus:
Continue individual therapy to address root causes
Implement new behaviors that rebuild trust and safety
Maintain full transparency (sharing passwords, tracking progress, open communication)
Deepen emotional attunement to wife’s pain
Wife’s Focus:
Continue trauma healing work
Learn emotional communication strategies (managing grief, anger, and pain constructively)
Decide on boundaries for continued reconciliation work
Couple’s Shared Focus:
Couples Therapy:
Build emotional attunement and validation skills
Repair breakdowns in intimacy and communication
Unpacking the “Why”
Explore relationship dysfunctions that may have preceded the affair
Address unmet emotional needs in both partners
Decision Point:
Determine whether to stay together or separate
Phase 3: Rebuilding or Separation
(Final phase, depending on the couple’s decision)
Path 1: Rebuilding the Marriage
Develop a shared vision for the new relationship
Focus on post-traumatic growth and healing intimacy
Establish long-term accountability structures
Gradually decrease therapy sessions as stability is restored
Path 2: Conscious Separation or Divorce
Work toward amicable separation
Address co-parenting plans (if applicable)
Manage legal and financial disentanglement
Provide emotional closure and individual healing
Final Phase:
Therapy gradually ends or shifts into long-term check-ins
Personal growth continues beyond the formal recovery process
Choosing the Right Couple’s Therapy Modality
When starting couples therapy, choosing the right modality can make all the difference. Each approach to therapy has its unique focus, methods, and outcomes. This guide will help you choose both a primary and secondary style of therapy, tailored to your specific relationship needs.
Use the quiz below to help you find the right approach for you and your partner. For each question, choose two answers: a primary (the one that feels true at this time the MOST) and secondary one. (it’s true but less urgent). If multiple answers feel true, go with the ones that feel true the most at this time in your relationship and for your preferences. This will give you multiple options for how to address your problems.
Couple's Therapy Modality Questionnaire
1. What are the primary challenges you and your partner are facing in your relationship?
A. Communication breakdowns, frequent misunderstandings
B. Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant
C. Trust issues and difficulty rebuilding after betrayal
D. Struggles with conflict resolution and problem-solving
E. Sexual difficulties or mismatched intimacy needs
F. Unsure about the future of the relationship (deciding whether to stay or separate)
G. Issues related to past trauma or unresolved emotional experiences
H. Growing apart or having divergent life goals
2. How do you and your partner usually handle conflict?
A. We tend to escalate into arguments or shut down emotionally
B. We avoid conflict and sweep issues under the rug
C. We have difficulty understanding each other's perspectives
D. One of us often feels overwhelmed by the intensity of conflict
E. We get stuck in repeating the same patterns and arguments
F. One or both of us often feels criticized or defensive during conflict
G. We have a hard time balancing individual needs with the relationship’s needs
3. What is your primary goal for therapy?
A. Learn new tools for communication and conflict resolution
B. Rebuild emotional connection and intimacy
C. Repair the relationship after a major rupture or betrayal
D. Build security and attachment between us
E. Gain insight into our underlying emotional dynamics
F. Clarify whether we should stay in or leave the relationship
G. Improve our sexual connection and intimacy
H. Find quick solutions to specific, short-term issues
4. How do you feel about focusing on emotional experiences during therapy?
A. I want to focus on skills and strategies for improving our communication
B. I’m comfortable exploring emotions but need structure
C. I’m open to understanding how our past affects our present behavior
D. I want to feel safer expressing emotions
E. I’m interested in deep emotional work to improve our bond
F. I’d prefer a mix of emotional exploration and practical tools
G. I’m more focused on future-oriented solutions than emotional processing
5. How important is it for you to learn specific skills or tools in therapy?
A. Very important, I need concrete strategies to apply in our relationship
B. Somewhat important, but I’m also open to understanding deeper emotional patterns
C. Skills are helpful, but I’m more focused on creating emotional connection
D. I want tools, but also want to explore underlying attachment dynamics
E. I’m mostly interested in building understanding and empathy, less focused on specific skills
F. I want practical solutions that can be applied quickly and effectively
6. How comfortable are you with focusing on past experiences or trauma in therapy?
A. I prefer to stay focused on the present and future of our relationship
B. I’m willing to explore past experiences if they affect our current dynamic
C. I believe our past plays a big role in how we relate, and I’m open to exploring it
D. We have trauma in our relationship, and it’s important to address that
E. I’m unsure but open to guidance from the therapist
F. I’d rather focus on resolving immediate issues and building solutions
7. How important is it to understand the science behind relationships in therapy?
A. Very important, I want a research-based approach
B. It’s helpful, but I’m more focused on emotional connection
C. I’m open to a balance between research and emotional work
D. I’m more interested in understanding how we can grow emotionally
E. I want clear, proven strategies that help us move forward quickly
F. I’m unsure, I just want what works best for us
8. How comfortable are you with an experiential or interactive style in therapy (role-playing, exercises, etc.)?
A. I prefer discussion-based sessions rather than interactive exercises
B. I’m comfortable with some exercises but prefer a mix
C. I’m open to trying interactive methods to see what works
D. I’m looking for a more hands-on and experiential approach
E. I want a balance of exercises, emotional work, and problem-solving
F. I prefer solution-focused discussions with clear action steps
9. What pace of therapy do you prefer?
A. I want a structured, step-by-step approach with clear goals
B. I’m comfortable with a slower pace that allows for reflection
C. I want to focus on making steady progress but also open to deep exploration
D. I’m comfortable with both slow and fast pace, depending on the need
E. I want to make decisions about the future quickly and efficiently
F. I prefer a more action-oriented approach that solves problems quickly
Scoring Guide:
Gottman Method (Research-Based, Skill-Building, Structured)
Best for those who selected mostly A for skill-building, communication tools, and conflict resolution.
PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) (Attachment, Safety, and Neuroscience Focus)
Ideal for those who chose B, D, or G, indicating a focus on attachment, security, and deeper emotional exploration.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) (Emotion, Attachment, and Reconnection)
Best for those who selected B, E, or D, indicating a focus on emotional reconnection and attachment repair.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) (Past Relationships and Communication)
Ideal for those who chose C, showing an interest in exploring how past experiences shape current behaviors and improving empathy.
Discernment Counseling (Decision-Making Therapy for Uncertain Couples)
Ideal for those who selected F and need help deciding whether to stay in or leave the relationship.
Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (Ellyn Bader) (Growth, Differentiation, and Development)
Best for those who selected G or H, focusing on evolving the relationship through differentiation and personal growth.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples (Thoughts, Behaviors, and Practical Solutions)
Best for those who selected A and F, looking for structured, solution-focused, and practical tools to improve communication and behavior patterns.
Sex Therapy (Intimacy, Sexual Function, and Desire)
Best for those who selected E, looking to improve sexual connection, intimacy, and overcome sexual challenges in their relationship.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) (Empowerment, Boundaries, and Relational Skills)
Ideal for those who selected F or G, focusing on rebuilding relationships through empowerment, relational skills, and emotional honesty.
Narrative Therapy (Exploring Relationship Stories and Meaning)
Ideal for those who selected C and B, interested in how their relationship stories shape their behaviors and understanding of each other.
Solution-Focused Therapy (Short-Term, Goal-Oriented Therapy)
Best for those who selected F and H, looking for quick, solution-oriented approaches to resolve immediate relationship challenges.
Reflective Listening and Communication Analysis
Best for those who selected A, looking for better communication and active listening tools to improve understanding and problem-solving in their relationship.
Step 1: Understand the Primary Therapy Modalities
Below are brief descriptions of the most common couples therapy approaches. These modalities form the foundation for how therapy is structured and where the focus lies.
1. Gottman Method
Best for: Couples who need practical tools for communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation.
Focus: Research-based strategies to improve communication patterns and build trust.
Who benefits: Couples struggling with conflict or emotional disconnection who want structured, research-backed techniques.
2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Best for: Couples looking to rebuild emotional connection and security.
Focus: Healing attachment wounds and deepening emotional bonds.
Who benefits: Couples dealing with emotional distance, insecurity, or conflict avoidance.
3. Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
Best for: Couples who want to understand how past relationships shape their current dynamics.
Focus: Uncovering and healing childhood wounds that play out in adult relationships.
Who benefits: Couples who notice patterns repeating in their conflicts or have unresolved emotional baggage.
4. PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy)
Best for: Couples focusing on emotional safety, attachment, and neurobiology.
Focus: Creating emotional security using neuroscience and attachment theory.
Who benefits: Couples with intense emotional reactions or those who need to strengthen attachment and trust.
5. Discernment Counseling
Best for: Couples unsure about whether to stay together.
Focus: Helping couples make a decision about the future of the relationship.
Who benefits: Couples on the brink of separation who need clarity and guidance.
6. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples
Best for: Couples looking for practical solutions and behavior change.
Focus: Identifying and changing harmful thoughts and behaviors.
Who benefits: Couples dealing with specific, solvable issues like communication breakdowns or emotional regulation.
7. Solution-Focused Therapy
Best for: Couples wanting quick solutions to pressing problems.
Focus: Practical, solution-oriented strategies that focus on future improvements.
Who benefits: Couples who want to tackle specific, short-term problems efficiently.
8. Sex Therapy
Best for: Couples facing challenges related to sexual intimacy and desire.
Focus: Addressing sexual issues, improving intimacy, and resolving mismatched libidos.
Who benefits: Couples struggling with sexual connection, physical intimacy, or mismatched desires.
Step 2: How to Choose Your Primary Therapy Style
Your primary therapy style should address the core issues in your relationship. For example:
Struggling with communication and frequent conflict? The Gottman Method may be a good fit, as it provides structured, research-based strategies to improve communication and manage conflict.
Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant? Consider Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen emotional bonds and create more secure attachment.
Unsure about the future of the relationship? Discernment Counseling can help couples decide whether to work on the relationship or separate.
Step 3: Adding a Secondary Therapy Style
After choosing your primary modality, think about a secondary therapy style to complement it. This allows you to address more dimensions of your relationship. You might look for a couple’s therapist who is trained in multiple modalities, or, alternatively, work with on the primary relationship problem with the first selected style, then find a different couple’s therapist to work on your secondary couple problem with a different therapy style.
Here’s how you might combine different therapies:
Combination 1: Gottman Method + EFT
Primary: Gottman Method provides the tools for better communication and conflict management.
Secondary: EFT helps build emotional connection, deepening the impact of the skills learned in the Gottman Method.
Why this works: You’ll learn practical tools to handle conflict while also strengthening the emotional bonds that can get lost in arguments.
Combination 2: Imago Relationship Therapy + Sex Therapy
Primary: Imago Relationship Therapy explores how your childhood experiences shape your current relationship.
Secondary: Sex Therapy can improve intimacy and address any sexual difficulties.
Why this works: Understanding emotional baggage and healing childhood wounds can lead to a deeper emotional connection, which is essential for improving intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
Combination 3: Discernment Counseling + CBT for Couples
Primary: Discernment Counseling helps couples decide if they want to stay together or separate.
Secondary: CBT for Couples can provide practical strategies for couples who decide to work on their relationship, improving communication and behavior patterns.
Why this works: Couples who are on the brink of separation can gain clarity about their relationship and then work on actionable steps if they decide to stay together.
Combination 4: Solution-Focused Therapy + Gottman Method
Primary: Solution-Focused Therapy helps couples find quick solutions to immediate problems.
Secondary: Gottman Method builds on those solutions with long-term skills for conflict resolution and communication.
Why this works: Quick wins from Solution-Focused Therapy can provide momentum, while the Gottman Method ensures the couple develops long-term habits for success.
Step 4: How to Decide on Your Combination
Identify your relationship’s most pressing need. Is it communication? Emotional connection? Deciding whether to stay together?
Choose a primary style that addresses that core issue.
Select a secondary style that complements the first, rounding out your approach by addressing deeper emotional, behavioral, or sexual aspects of the relationship.
Example Scenarios:
A couple constantly fighting but feeling emotionally disconnected may choose the Gottman Method as their primary style and EFT as their secondary.
A couple unsure whether to stay together due to unresolved issues may pick Discernment Counseling as their primary modality, paired with CBT for Couples to address any practical changes if they choose to work on the relationship.
Brainspotting Therapy for Overcoming Sex/Porn Addiction and Intimacy Disorders
What Is Brainspotting?
A psychotherapy technique that helps you process and overcome negative emotions, trauma, and pain by focusing on specific points in your visual field.
Discovered in 2003 by David Grand, PhD, as an advancement of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.
Particularly effective for addressing deep-rooted issues underlying sex/porn addiction and intimacy disorders.
How Does It Work?
Identifying Brainspots:
A therapist guides your gaze to find "brainspots"—eye positions that trigger strong emotions or memories related to your struggles. These brainspots are connected to emotional distress or trauma driving compulsive behaviors.
By focusing on these spots, you access and process deeply held emotions stored in the subcortical brain (the part of the brain responsible for emotions and instinctive responses).
Processing Emotions:
This method bypasses conscious thought, allowing you to address underlying traumas or emotional pain that contribute to addictive behaviors and intimacy issues.
Helps release "stuck" emotional experiences, leading to relief from compulsive behaviors and improving relationships.
What to Expect in a Brainspotting Session:
Building Rapport: The therapist establishes a safe and supportive environment, understanding your specific concerns related to sex/porn addiction and intimacy disorders. Initial conversations focus on your experiences, challenges, and goals for therapy.
Relaxation Techniques: Sessions may start with relaxation exercises like deep breathing, mindfulness meditation, or listening to bilateral sounds (music alternating between ears) to promote a calm state.
Identifying the Issue: You'll discuss specific challenges and focus on where you physically feel them in your body, rating the intensity of these feelings on a scale from 1 to 10.
Finding Your Brainspot:
Inside Window Approach: You guide the therapist by indicating where your gaze naturally goes when focusing on distress.
Outside Window Approach: The therapist observes your eye movements to identify points that elicit strong responses, using a pointer to locate the spot that intensifies your feelings.
Focusing on the Brainspot: You hold your gaze on the identified spot, observing thoughts and sensations without judgment to process underlying emotions tied to your issues.
Processing Emotions:
As you focus, you may experience emotional or physical reactions, such as sadness, anger, shame, guilt or physical sensations. The therapist remains present and supportive, allowing your brain and body to lead the healing process naturally.
Mindfulness and Acceptance: You're encouraged to accept all experiences that surface, using mindfulness to stay present and reduce the urge to suppress difficult emotions.
Integration and Discussion: After the focusing phase, you discuss any insights, changes in feelings, or shifts in bodily sensations with the therapist.
You reassess the intensity of your distress, which often decreases compared to the initial rating.
The therapist may help you connect these insights to your behaviors and patterns in relationships.
Planning Further Treatment: You decide on next steps with the therapist, which may include additional sessions, other therapies, self-care practices, and coping strategies to develop healthier coping mechanisms and enhance intimacy skills.
How Can Brainspotting Help with Sex/Porn Addiction and Intimacy Disorders?
Addressing Underlying Trauma: Helps uncover and process past traumas or emotional pain that may contribute to addictive behaviors and intimacy difficulties. Traumas could include childhood experiences, relationship betrayals, or feelings of abandonment.
Reducing Compulsive Behaviors:
By processing deep-seated emotions, you may experience a reduction in urges related to sex or porn addiction. Enables you to respond to triggers in healthier ways.
Improving Emotional Regulation:
Enhances your ability to manage emotions, reducing reliance on addictive behaviors as coping mechanisms. Increases awareness of emotional states and how they influence behavior.
Enhancing Relationships:
Facilitates healing of intimacy issues, leading to healthier relationships and improved connection with others. Helps break down barriers to vulnerability and trust.
Building Self-Esteem:
Addresses feelings of shame or low self-worth that often accompany addiction and intimacy disorders. Promotes a more positive self-image and confidence in relationships.
Are There Side Effects?
Emotional Sensitivity: You may feel more emotional or sensitive after sessions. This is typically temporary and part of the healing process.
Physical Sensations: Some people experience physical sensations like tingling or fatigue. These are normal responses as the body releases tension.
No Major Risks: Considered safe when conducted by a trained professional.
Brainspotting Music
Here are a few places to get Brainspotting music.
Download as MP3s https://bodhitreebilateral.com/store#digital-singles
https://bspuk.co.uk/resources/music/
Brainspotting Videos:
https://youtu.be/7FO_udVWkqA?si=tcOhsfaXBWufURRF