Model for Infidelity and Betrayal Recovery
Navigating through a relational betrayal is a process that can feel overwhelming, chaotic and very painful. Fortunately there have been many clinicians who have reseached the process and have provided guided maps to find our way through it. Below I present a condensed version of the research I have done on the topic.
This structured format allows for clear navigation of the healing process, distinguishing individual and shared responsibilities at each stage
Phase 1: Discovery to Disclosure
(From the initial discovery of infidelity to formal disclosure)
Husband’s Tasks:
Create and follow a sobriety plan
Cease all contact with affair partners
Delete apps and remove triggers
Develop emotional regulation strategies
Prepare for formal disclosure
Work with a therapist to create a structured disclosure
Ensure full transparency and honesty
Engage in psychotherapeutic work
Trauma-informed therapy or psychodynamic work
Identify deeper relational or individual issues that contributed to infidelity
Manage wife’s pain and triggers
Learn empathy and emotional validation skills
Provide consistent reassurance and accountability
Wife’s Tasks:
Prepare for disclosure session
Identify personal boundaries
Write 5-10 core questions for the disclosure (to prevent trauma-driven spiraling)
Engage in trauma recovery work
EMDR, Brainspotting, or other trauma-focused therapies
Seek emotional support
Join betrayal trauma support groups or individual therapy
Manage emotional triggers and responses
Develop regulation techniques to prevent destructive communication patterns
Couple’s Shared Tasks:
Establish initial rules of engagement (boundaries, living arrangements, transparency agreements)
Decide whether to proceed with a formal disclosure session
Seek professional guidance on how to navigate the crisis
Phase 2: Repair & Recommitment
(Begins after disclosure, focusing on rebuilding trust and addressing deeper issues)
Husband’s Focus:
Continue individual therapy to address root causes
Implement new behaviors that rebuild trust and safety
Maintain full transparency (sharing passwords, tracking progress, open communication)
Deepen emotional attunement to wife’s pain
Wife’s Focus:
Continue trauma healing work
Learn emotional communication strategies (managing grief, anger, and pain constructively)
Decide on boundaries for continued reconciliation work
Couple’s Shared Focus:
Couples Therapy:
Build emotional attunement and validation skills
Repair breakdowns in intimacy and communication
Unpacking the “Why”
Explore relationship dysfunctions that may have preceded the affair
Address unmet emotional needs in both partners
Decision Point:
Determine whether to stay together or separate
Phase 3: Rebuilding or Separation
(Final phase, depending on the couple’s decision)
Path 1: Rebuilding the Marriage
Develop a shared vision for the new relationship
Focus on post-traumatic growth and healing intimacy
Establish long-term accountability structures
Gradually decrease therapy sessions as stability is restored
Path 2: Conscious Separation or Divorce
Work toward amicable separation
Address co-parenting plans (if applicable)
Manage legal and financial disentanglement
Provide emotional closure and individual healing
Final Phase:
Therapy gradually ends or shifts into long-term check-ins
Personal growth continues beyond the formal recovery process