How I Treat Relational Betrayal and Infidelity (2025-01-31)
Overview
The treatment of relational betrayal, infidelity in my practice is typically divided into three phases. This writing will focus specifically on sexual infidelity and cheating. Drawing from various resources, my training, and clinical experience, I structure infidelity treatment into the following three phases:
Phase 1: Discovery to Disclosure – From the initial discovery of the infidelity to a formal disclosure process.
Phase 2: Disclosure to Significant Repair & Recommitment – Involves intensive individual and couples work to process the betrayal, rebuild trust, and examine contributing relational dysfunctions.
Phase 3: Rebuilding or Separation – Either establishing a renewed marriage/relationship or facilitating a conscious separation.
For the sake of this conversation, I will refer to the betraying partner as “Husband”, and to the betrayed partner as “Wife”. Each phase includes specific tasks and goals for the husband, the wife, and the couple as a unit.
Phase 1: Discovery to Disclosure
This phase begins with the discovery of the infidelity and extends to the full disclosure process. During this stage, both partners have distinct and overlapping tasks:
Tasks for the Husband:
Sobriety Plan – Establishing a clear strategy to cease all offending behaviors, which may include:
Cutting off contact with affair partners.
Deleting apps or blocking triggers.
Developing strategies for emotional regulation.
Preparation for Disclosure – If the couple chooses to pursue a formal disclosure, the husband must:
Work with a therapist to prepare an honest, detailed, and structured disclosure.
Understand the importance of transparency and emotional containment during disclosure.
Psychotherapeutic Work – Addressing the underlying factors that contributed to the infidelity, which may involve:
Trauma-informed therapy.
Psychodynamic exploration of personal history and relational patterns.
Management of the Wife’s Pain and Triggers – Developing skills in:
Psychoeducation on betrayal trauma.
Emotional validation and empathy training.
Learning to support his wife through her grief and anger.
Tasks for the Wife:
Disclosure Preparation – Preparing for the formal disclosure by:
Identifying personal boundaries.
Writing down 5-10 key questions for the disclosure session (to prevent an overwhelming influx of questions due to betrayal trauma).
Trauma Work – Engaging in therapy to regulate her nervous system, which may include:
EMDR, Brainspotting, or other trauma-focused therapies.
Seeking Support – Building a support system, such as:
Women’s groups or betrayal trauma support groups.
Connecting with friends or therapists for emotional processing.
Managing Emotional Triggers – Developing emotional regulation strategies to:
Express pain and anger constructively.
Prevent verbal/emotional abuse toward the husband.
Avoid self-destructive behaviors that could harm herself, her family, or the relationship.
Phase 2: Disclosure to Significant Repair & Recommitment
This phase starts with the full disclosure session, typically facilitated by a therapist. During the disclosure:
The husband reads his written disclosure.
The wife processes emotions and asks follow-up questions.
The therapist ensures a safe and structured environment for both.
Once disclosure is complete, the focus shifts toward intensive healing and relational repair.
Key Focus Areas in Phase 2:
Couples Therapy – A significant part of this phase involves structured therapy to:
Foster validation and empathy.
Work through grief, anger, and relational wounds.
Understanding the Affair’s Underlying Causes – Carefully exploring the deeper relational dynamics that may have fueled (but not caused) the infidelity, such as:
Emotional disconnection.
Unresolved conflicts.
Lack of vulnerability and intimacy.
Addressing Individual and Couple Dysfunction –
Continuing individual therapeutic work for both partners.
Identifying patterns of avoidance, emotional repression, or codependency.
This phase is often the most emotionally intense and requires careful navigation to ensure both partners are progressing toward healing rather than further harm.
Phase 3: Rebuilding or Separation
Once significant therapeutic work has been done, the couple reaches a crossroads:
Rebuilding the Relationship – If they choose to stay together, the focus shifts toward:
Creating a new vision for the relationship.
Engaging in post-traumatic growth.
Developing shared values and commitments for the future.
Gradually decreasing therapy sessions as the couple gains stability.
Conscious Separation or Divorce – If the couple chooses to separate, the focus is on:
Facilitating a conscious uncoupling process.
Managing logistical aspects such as finances, custody, and co-parenting (if applicable).
Emotional closure and moving forward with personal growth.
In both cases, the therapeutic journey continues at a pace that feels appropriate for the individuals and the couple, often transitioning into maintenance sessions before concluding therapy.
Infidelity treatment is a structured yet flexible process that adapts to the needs of each couple. The three-phase approach ensures that both partners engage in meaningful, individual healing while working toward either reconciliation or conscious separation. Each phase builds upon the last, guiding the couple toward clarity, resolution, and either a renewed commitment or an amicable parting.
In future iterations, I will explore decision trees to illustrate how different types of sex addiction and infidelity presentations fit into this framework.