Why Affairs Happen

The Roots of Infidelity: Causes and Contexts of Betrayal

Affairs, betrayals, and infidelity are complex phenomena influenced by a multitude of individual, relational, and contextual factors, often interconnected. The sources highlight that these acts rarely stem from a single cause but rather from a "complex weaving" of vulnerabilities.

Here are the common reasons, according to the research, why affairs, betrayals, and infidelity happen:

Relational Factors

• Relationship Dissatisfaction and Dysfunction: A pervasive theme is that infidelity often occurs within the context of relationship problems or dissatisfaction. This can manifest as:

  • Lack of Emotional Connection and Intimacy: The most common factor leading to an affair is a lack of a strong emotional connection between spouses, which may have never developed or eroded over time due to unaddressed differences. This includes a failure to develop intimacy or a lack of passion.

  • Unresolved Conflict: High levels of conflict or unresolved disagreements are frequently cited. Couples may fail to manage disagreements effectively, leading to resentment or withdrawal, or avoid important discussions altogether.

  • Low Physical/Sexual Intimacy: Deficits in physical or sexual intimacy and satisfaction are significant contributors, particularly for men.

  • Unmet Relationship Expectations: Disillusionment when expectations about marriage are not met, or when a partner feels their needs are voiced but remain unmet, can lead to infidelity. This can be due to unreasonably high expectations.

  • Power Imbalances: Relationships where there is imbalanced power, with one partner giving more or being in a position of greater power, can lead the other to seek a more balanced relationship outside.

  • Boredom and Stasis: A pervasive feeling of deadness, stasis, or boredom in the marriage can prompt one or both partners to seek excitement elsewhere.

  • Failure to Grow and Change: Many affairs are attributed to the partners' failure to grow and change within the relationship, leading to stagnation.

Individual Factors

• Personal Vulnerabilities and Needs:

  • Self-Doubt and Need for Affirmation: Feelings of self-doubt about attractiveness, adequacy as a partner, or basic worth can increase susceptibility to an affair, seeking reassurance or affirmation from an outsider.

  • Unfulfilled Fantasies and Dreams: The death of a dream, wish, or fantasy for the relationship, and the realization that one's deepest needs will not be met by their partner, is a critical ingredient. The affair promises to fulfill these missing aspects.

  • Emotional Needs/Connection: People may seek emotional connection and intimacy that is lacking in their primary relationship.

  • Sexual Satisfaction/Variety: The desire for sexual excitement, variety, or fulfillment is a key motivator, especially for men.

  • Loss of Self/Search for Personhood: An affair can be a "search for personhood" or a way to address a loss of self, often an emotional self that has been appeased or withheld in the marriage.

  • Anger and Rebellion: Affairs can be an expression of discontent, anger, or rebellion against a partner or the relationship, sometimes as a desperate plea for change or an attempt to gain power.

  • Compulsive Needs: Multiple affairs can indicate a compulsive need for arousal or an addiction to sex, love, or romance.

• Personality Traits and Characteristics:

  • Dark Triad Traits: Narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism are linked to infidelity, reflecting tendencies toward superiority, manipulativeness, and low empathy.

  • Sociosexuality: Individuals with higher sociosexuality (beliefs and attitudes toward sex without commitment) are more likely to engage in infidelity and deception.

  • Low Conscientiousness, Low Agreeableness, High Neuroticism, High Openness: These personality traits can increase the likelihood of infidelity.

  • Commitment Issues: An unwillingness or inability to commit to an exclusive relationship, or difficulties in honoring long-term commitments.

  • Lapses in Judgment/Impulsivity: Impulsive actions, driven by emotions rather than rational thought, or impaired judgment due to substance abuse or emotional disorders.

  • Dishonesty as a Trait: Infidelity involves lying and deception. For some, this dishonesty may be an ingrained trait rather than just a consequence of the affair.

• Childhood History and Attachment Styles: Unresolved issues from childhood, fears about intimacy, dependency, or trust, and insecure attachment orientations can make individuals vulnerable. Previous injuries can be reawakened by an affair.

Environmental and Contextual Factors

• Opportunity: The opportunity to cheat is a strong motivator, often arising from proximity to alternative partners in settings like the workplace or through online platforms.

  • Workplace: The workplace is a common "danger zone" where many affairs begin due to increased interaction and blurring boundaries.

  • Online Platforms: The Internet and social media provide an inexpensive, accessible, and anonymous vehicle for infidelity, offering opportunities for both sexual and emotional involvement.

  • Travel/Distance: Frequent travel away from home can create opportunity and reduce accountability.

• Social and Cultural Influences:

  • Undermining of Fidelity Values: Exposure to individuals, media, or cultural stereotypes that glamorize infidelity, devalue commitment, or portray it as common and without negative effects.

  • Peer Influence: Friends or acquaintances who are unfaithful or devalue fidelity can increase one's own vulnerability.

  • Family History: Patterns of infidelity can be observed across generations within the same family, linking parental infidelity to offspring's behavior.

• Life Stressors and Transitions: High demands from work or family responsibilities, financial concerns, illness, or other chronic stressors can increase vulnerability to an affair by making partners distracted or seeking comfort elsewhere. Transitions in the family life cycle (e.g., birth of a child, midlife crisis) also present vulnerabilities.

• Mate Poaching: The existence of "mate poachers" – individuals who solicit someone already in a relationship – also contributes to the occurrence of infidelity. This includes the attraction of an outsider who offers desired qualities.

Ultimately, understanding how an affair came about, by exploring all contributing factors without excusing the unfaithful partner's responsibility, is crucial for both healing and preventing future betrayals.